For some reason, women are surprised that when they move in with men and they’re not even engaged, that the guy doesn’t want to commit after 5 years of no engagement.
When a guy has you in his place, washing his clothes, cooking his meals, and snuggling next to him in bed at night—what’s the rush?
According to a new paper from RAND by sociologists Michael Pollard and Kathleen Mullan Harris, cohabiting young adults have significantly lower levels of commitment than their married peers. This aversion to commitment is particularly prevalent among young men who live with their partners.
Women look at “moving in together” as almost an assurance of marriage. Guys look at “moving in together” as marriage without the hassle.
So how do you solve this?
For starters, if you guys really want to move in together, make sure it’s serious. There has to be a talk, especially if you’re already in a relationship. You may be people who really like each other, enjoy spending time together, have similar hobbies and interests, and screw—but that’s not what a marriage is about.
Those things help, and they’re all ingredients, but it’s like trying to bake a cage when you have the butter, sugar, eggs, and baking soda—you’re missing the most important ingredient (flour, for the Betty Crocker-averse).
With this situation, the ingredient you’re missing the most is commitment. It’s the bond that makes 40, 50, 60-year-long marriages last.
For guys: can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this other person? Say there was no financial barrier, no “stay away from my daughter” overprotective dad, and a free ring—would you marry this girl and be comfortable saying “I do”? Would you be comfortable with her as the mother to your kids, if you want to have kids?
For girls: would you be comfortable living with this guy forever, having a family and kids with him, and be happy with him just how he is (that means NOT changing him?)
If both sides can answer yes to all the above—congratulations, you should get married.
If there’s a no in there—take pause.
Any questions?
